Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation