Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.