Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

A huge thanks to the person that did this

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say