Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

when you order from DoorDastardly

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid