Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Coffee for people with no kids

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.