Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit