spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
When I laugh on my period
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When your diet is finally over.
Guy who likes music
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
#Caturday
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat