spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
WWE is French for “yes”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute