spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that