Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home