Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Limited budget
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.