Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum