Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.