Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

the council will decide your fate

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.