Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?