Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.