*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
never ask a starfish for directions
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.