Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

scared to check what name she chose

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.