*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
You Might Also Like
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
the three branches of government
[the middle of showering] I need a break
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.