Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

How many? 🤔

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

this is so top tier i cant

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it