Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?