[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load