[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Always the vampires
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced