[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
In Canada they just call them geese
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.