Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

I saw nothing