No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?