Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Come back with a warrant

I think about this cartoon a lot.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

Who knew!

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.