Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.