Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.