Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

this is uni

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Stonehinge

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Taking phone security to the next level.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.