Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.