Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Are you a cat person or a person person?

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30