spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper
me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
why on earth do you guys have a state named washington and a city named washington and they’re on opposite sides of the map. this whole time i thought the white house was in washington state
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I cannot stop laughing at this
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
God has left this place
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.