spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper
me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Great acting.. 😂
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*