Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

My dad is at it again

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.