Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.