Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”


you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor


The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.


Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.


Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.


You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.


[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec


*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”


[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak


A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.