Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]