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Good morning
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I’m being attacked 😭
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.