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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.