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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots