Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

😝

Need this in my life lol

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.