[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
This is me 🤣🤣
