spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
You Might Also Like
New menu item
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.