spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris