Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*