[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.