Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die