Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

😜

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

So glad we cleared that up

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid