Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.