Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks