[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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Sheep
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.