[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
You Might Also Like
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH