Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Chemical wingman

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.