Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

@funTweeters

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners