Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??