Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you