Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Check your privilege

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM