Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.