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learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.