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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?