Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

Happy Halloween 🎃

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.