How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”