Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.
Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.
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me: when can i get on the barbell
gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait
me: i know what it is
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
You Had One Job!