Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

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Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.


me: when can i get on the barbell

gym guy: sorry it’s a long wait

me: i know what it is


Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.


Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?


Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*


Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now


“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”


Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow


11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.