Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”