Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[eulogy]
line?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.