Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Hell yeah 👍
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana