Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Realize this:

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Worth remembering.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

😸

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast