Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?