Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

This is not me but this is me

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?