Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
you will never know the true number of layers
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*